I’m so sick of all of this.
I don’t feel like I have much close friends anymore. I can’t really trust anyone. Everytime I trust someone, hoping they will be someone who will be always there for me, they use it against me or they leave me. It’s like they only wanted to be nosy about my life and use against me the fact that before. Last year, I was pretty much willing to tell anyone about my problems because I wanted a friend who can help me and never leave me. Someone I can always rely on and feel close to. It isn’t happening so I’m not relying on anyone anymore. And people say that I’m stupid for letting myself not relying on others and yell at me for trusting others instead of them, and by yell I really do mean yelling like your asian momma finding out you just got an F on your test and have been suspended. Okay seriously now. You know what. After a month of those things you said to me. They still are in my head specifically. No, actually, they have become more and more twisted in my mind. Now it’s affecting the way I think. You thought you could help me. You didn’t you made it worse. You kept pressuring me to tell you about my problems. I didn’t want to tell them so instead you yell at me for not telling you. Do I ever pressure you to tell me your problems? Never. After I ask a few times, I’ll leave you alone and talk about other things until you’re comfortable telling me. Saying ” THIS IS WHY YOUR FRIENDS LEAVE YOU. BECAUSE YOU DON’T SHARE YOUR PROBLEMS. ” and ” SHAME ON YOU FOR NOT SHARING YOUR PROBLEMS. THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE FRIENDS ANYMORE. ” Oh geez, every friend I’ve shared my problem to has LEFT ME. I kept repeating the reason why I don’t share my problems anymore. But you still kept pressuring me. Now to me it’s become ” My friends leave me because I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t nice enough. I was pretty enough. I wasn’t tolerable. I was a terrible friend. ” You hurt me. Real bad. And you decided to ignore me after that even though I asked for forgiveness. I ASKED FOR FORGIVENESS. What do I get back? “I hate you.” So you hate me because I won’t tell you my problems huh. Some kind of friend you are aren’t you. I just feel like I belong anywhere anymore. I always feel like a burden now thanks to you. You instead have added burden on my shoulder. And at school, I don’t feel like I belong. I don’t know where to go. Sometimes I find myself standing there alone now. In a middle of 4 crowds, I’m standing alone. Everyone keeps leaving me and I’m sick of it now. I can’t wait to check out the other schools over the summer.
And in all honesty… I don’t know who I am or want to be anymore.